LIFE'S SECRET

In order to survive in this life one of two things are needed; either one must have faith in God or one must be cold-hearted. I fall in the latter. Or better said, I should fall in the latter. I was once cold-hearted and selfish, but after meeting that “special someone” in my life, somewhere along the lines, I started to feel things again. And now that my marriage of is over, I desire very little in this life as much as I desire the return to that cold state.

My brother spoke to my last night to inform me of the death of yet another family member, and I realized as I spoke to him that he too has officially reached that stage in life when he cares for very little. I found myself trying to convince him to open his heart. As I sit here, I wonder why the hell I would try to convince him to open his heart to the pain and anguish of this life. Life has not been kind to me or my family. We have all faced more than our share of trial and tribulation. I have all the makings of a serial killer. I have all the desires and thoughts of destruction, malice, and evil. Recently I was told that I may be tormented my some “demon”. I was told that I embrace that “demon” and take joy in causing pain in others. Strange, I have never seen myself in the light, but I know it to be true. Well, the part about me taking joy in causing people pain that is.

I have known anger all of my life. I know how to handle anger. I know how to survive off of anger. Anger got me through my adolescence. Anger got me through seven years of sexual molestation at the hand of my half-brother. Anger continues to fuel me even now as we speak. And the beauty of it is, I don’t want my brother to feel the same way that I do. I don’t want him to hate his existence the way I do. I don’t want him to go through life not caring about anything in life. As I speak to him, I can feel his indifference. I can feel his disdain for the human race, just as I taught him.

Am I truly responsible for the way he feels towards life? Both he and I have lost the woman we love in this life. Both he and I have, against our better judgment, allowed someone to get close to our hearts only to have our hearts broken. Both he and I have lost the singular most important woman in our lives, our mother. Both he and I have trusted people with all our secrets only to have them betray us. Both he and I have been sexually molested and assaulted. Both he and I are still standing but we stand before you broken and jaded. Both he and I have learned that in order to survive this life you must be cold-hearted. Faith is a wasted act. I have faith in only one thing, that I will continue to get screwed in this life as long as I live.